Their things are not them. And also: their things are absolutely them, which is why the wardrobe can knock the wind out of you faster than the photographs. Both are true, so this goes at a pace, not a purge.
The three boxes
- KEEP - the things that hold them: the jumper that still smells right, the handwriting, the mug
- GIVE - the things that would mean something to someone else's hands
- NOT YET - everything you cannot decide about today
"Not yet" is allowed to be the biggest box. It's allowed to be the biggest box for years. Deciding not to decide is a real decision, and it beats the regret of a clear-out done in the fog.
The pace
- One drawer or one shelf per session. Never 'the wardrobe.' Never 'the garage.'
- Take a photo of anything you're letting go of but want to remember - the object leaves, the memory stays
- Do it with someone, or pointedly alone. Know which one you need before you start
- Stop while it still feels okay, not when it stops feeling okay
And if someone is pressuring you to "deal with it all" - the flat, the house, the boxes - the deadline is almost always theirs, not yours. Grief gets to keep a shelf for as long as it needs the shelf.